Judgment Free Zone

I am sure you are all tired of me talking about Instagram - me too. Here I am again faced with a moral dilemma about getting back on, again. Here is the thing though - we are allowed to change our minds! Isn’t that a beautiful thing?!

I was talking to my husband the other day about how wild it must be for him to witness the many different versions of myself I have been over the years. He stood by me as I overcame bulimia, got sober from alcohol, and quit smoking cigarettes. This is just in my thirties!! Since then he has watched me grow immensely through the move from AZ to MO. It will be 3 years here in MO in April. I went through some of my darkest times in my sobriety last year. I look at my photo memories every morning of ‘one year ago’. I have recorded video journals for years now and there are all kinds in my albums. Some I have seen from last year break my heart.

I will always be someone who holds onto hope and does not give up - this is how I have been able to come out the other side of my addictions and live a life I am proud of and grateful for. Let’s just be honest - I am lucky to be alive, and there is not a day that goes by that I will ever forget that! A mantra that has helped me move past not only addictions but other bad habits is, “it can no longer be an option in your mind” - the thought is where it all starts. If you can catch it then, you can change your direction. Our thoughts are so powerful - mindset is truly everything.

I used to get so mad hearing, “you have a choice” - I was so deep in all of my shit, I felt like I was drowning. It didn’t feel like I had a choice, it felt like life hated me. The truth is I hated myself. No matter how low I was, the only way to ever come out of it was (and is) to take a step, and then another, and then one more.

The most recent literal and metaphoric cloud I have come out of is an addiction to weed. I used to hate it, and then after a year or so free from alcohol, I loved it. For a time it helped me with the overwhelming emotions that rolled in after I took away my emotional comfort (getting blasted drunk and passing out). Years later it took me to a place I never want to be again mentally. The guilt and shame that swirled around my mind had an eerily familiar feeling. It was the same cycle I had experienced with bulimia and alcohol.

I would spend all day ruminating on how much I wanted to change, to quit, to overcome. By the time I got to the evening I was so exhausted of my own thoughts, the only way to escape myself was to indulge in one of my addictions. I would wake up the next day and the cycle would continue. I have tried to quit weed for years. The world will tell you its not addictive and say things like, “it’s just weed” - and you know what, for a lot of people that is absolutely true. But for those of us who struggle with addiction, low self worth, needing an escape, wanting to check out - it can become something else altogether.

It has been about a month now that I have had inner peace and freedom in my mind. I have finally reached a place where I know I am done. This is thanks to the work I have put in, not giving up on myself, falling hard over and over - and then getting back up again, and parts work in therapy. I have let this inner battle hold me back from fully showing up as myself and really going after the life I want! I was so scared I would soon be back in the loop / cycle of addiction.

From the outside looking in, nobody would even know I struggled with this in the way I have. I am what they call “high functioning” - no pun intended. I would still show up to yoga at 6am, meet my work expectations, get shit done, be super productive! At night though, I would crumble. I spent years engaging in disordered eating habits, snacking like it was my last meal, and watching copious amounts of true crime. I want to go hug that version of myself and let her know it won’t always be that way!

If we are close - you do know about this battle I had been facing. I would find reasons to bring up my struggles with it unnecessarily. I understand now this was due to the guilt and shame I carried that weighed so heavily on me. If you are someone I have done this with, I am so sorry.

This is just a small part of a much larger story. I titled this blog ‘judgment free zone’ because I want you to know who I really am and that I will never judge you for who you really are! I also brought up that we can change our minds because we can change as people. Last year I couldn’t handle being on Instagram, and when I tried to come back I wasn’t ready.

If I am really gonna make something of this passion project that is my website - jewelry and yoga - (I have plans in store, finally) - it is probably a good idea to have somewhere to drive traffic here. I obviously can’t share like this in a post, so here we go again! I hope that you won’t judge me for coming back.